|
Volume One, Number 83 |
06/20/2001 | word of mouth, clumsy apparatus
might come back at us
or if some better hermeneutic
saves us then ... maybe not. |
| Volume One, Number 82 |
06/19/2001 | Like a water tower full of sand was a 1985 pack of Donruss baseball cards without a Roger Clemens rookie. |
| Volume One, Number 81 |
06/18/2001 | When it's really hot outside and an ice cream cone is outside, the ice cream melts quickly, sorry to say. |
| Volume One, Number 80 |
06/17/2001 | Whiteboards are good for getting people to brainstorm together, but it's kind of hard to archive it at all. |
| Volume One, Number 79 |
06/16/2001 | In Alaska, where during the summer there is no darkness, do people bid each other "good night" at day's end? |
| Volume One, Number 78 |
06/15/2001 | Heading into the locker room and inspecting the underarms of your peers isn't such an abnormal thing at age 12. |
| Volume One, Number 77 |
06/14/2001 | I saw shipless mast after shipless mast cabled together all in a row, then I realized they were telephone poles. |
| Volume One, Number 76 |
06/13/2001 | Take some paper, wad it up and make crinkling noises, and you can make a rather surprising amount of noise. |
| Volume One, Number 75 |
06/12/2001 | The disctinction between a wall and a ceiling and a floor depends mostly on the direction of the gravitational force. |
| Volume One, Number 74 |
06/11/2001 | If you shave in a bathroom at work, don't cut yourself lest your coworkers laugh at you as you bleed. |
| Volume One, Number 73 |
06/10/2001 | Large cities have sections which make you feel like you're in another country, and where you can buy watches cheap. |
| Volume One, Number 72 |
06/09/2001 | Making a bed is very much like clothing a doll or infant -- you could even call it 'dressing a bed.' |
| Volume One, Number 71 |
06/08/2001 | Any two horny teenagers are free to procreate; to adopt stray dog you have to endure an extensive background check... |
| Volume One, Number 70 |
06/07/2001 | If people waited until they were sure who they should vote for, they would never make it to the polls. |
| Volume One, Number 69 |
06/06/2001 | Hopefully I'm not plagiarizing the Far Side here, but it's difficult to imagine cows wearing coats made of human skin. |
| Volume One, Number 68 |
06/05/2001 | Mutton chops, good to eat, Mutton chops, a tasty roast, Mutton chops, my yummy chops, Mutton chops, good to eat. |
| Volume One, Number 67 |
06/04/2001 | Abstraction only goes so far, because pretty soon you start confusing the living daylights out of people, even yourself. |
| Volume One, Number 66 |
06/03/2001 | The growth begins and a period of calm growth ensues within, until the growth exits. Calm remains until one day. |
| Volume One, Number 65 |
06/02/2001 | That big Russian dude in Rocky IV missed saying, "Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" |
| Volume One, Number 64 |
06/01/2001 | As summer gives way to fall gives way to winter gives way to spring, so baseball gives way to football... |
| Volume One, Number 63 |
05/31/2001 | A long walk does little to calm the senses if there's a rock in your shoe, but go take one. |
| Volume One, Number 62 |
05/30/2001 | Thought A, encode, send, receive, decode, Thought B. Don't think that Thought A will always be equal to Thought B. |
| Volume One, Number 61 |
05/29/2001 | The unnatural states of being named peace and comfort arise not from the sophistication of man, but from God alone. |
| Volume One, Number 60 |
05/28/2001 | A station here plays "Today's Best Music". The thing is, it was also yesterday's best, and the day's before that... |
| Volume One, Number 59 |
05/27/2001 | Who ever decided he wanted the walls on the inside of his house to be white? That's not very interesting. |
| Volume One, Number 58 |
05/26/2001 | When you drink saltwater, you just get more and more thirsty, which just makes you drink more of it, unless you figure out what's happening. |
| Volume One, Number 57 |
05/25/2001 | If you came down from Outer Space and witnessed a bunch of dudes trying to advance an inflated pigskin across a line, would you smile? |
| Volume One, Number 56 |
05/24/2001 | I'm constantly amazed that there are people who know how to manufacture the simplest of materials like tires and pencils. |
| Volume One, Number 55 |
05/23/2001 | Watch out for the dust, it stays on the floor even after you sweep, and your spouse might notice sometime. |
| Volume One, Number 54 |
05/22/2001 | Rumplestiltskin isn't such a bad name really, but it would be a bear to sign that all the time, eh? |
| Volume One, Number 53 |
05/21/2001 | Rain makes the field all muddy, and it makes me bummed because the game will be cancelled unless it stops. |
| Volume One, Number 52 |
05/20/2001 | Stars are really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really far away. |
| Volume One, Number 51 |
05/19/2001 | There's one! Catch him! Ho Lee, spear it! (A brief anecdote from a missionary's surreal experiences fishing in Viet Nam.) |
| Volume One, Number 50 |
05/18/2001 | I remember gold is signified by 'Au' because of when Tootie said, "A U, give me back my gold watch!" |
| Volume One, Number 49 |
05/17/2001 | Rhonda is not a name that I would choose for myself, if I were a baby girl and named myself. |
| Volume One, Number 48 |
05/16/2001 | The morning comes and also the night, and some say the morning comes again, and the night again, and again. |
| Volume One, Number 47 |
05/15/2001 | As a guest in one's home, one needn't be shy about tending to one's daily duties, especially to this one. |
| Volume One, Number 46 |
05/14/2001 | When I think replenishable, I think water, wind, and crops. I don't think wood chips. But if you say so. |
| Volume One, Number 45 |
05/13/2001 | An important triumph of modern language is the coining of phrases expressing the depths of humanity, such as "Hooooo Doggie!!!" |
| Volume One, Number 44 |
05/12/2001 | Would you like fries with that, you always-right customer you, O consumer of my boss's boss's boss's boss's boss's goods? |
| Volume One, Number 43 |
05/11/2001 | If all I had left was one quarter, I think I'd probably go buy half a jar of baby food. |
| Volume One, Number 42 |
05/10/2001 | When the Marco Polo mini-series was on during the mid-eighties, I watched daily, but I don't remember much of it. |
| Volume One, Number 41 |
05/09/2001 | I used to say I'd name a son Edward, so at bedtime I could say, "Bedward, Edward!" but maybe not. |
| Volume One, Number 40 |
05/08/2001 | Once I forgot to pack socks in my basketball bag, and played a whole game in Dr. Scholl's ankle braces. |
| Volume One, Number 39 |
05/07/2001 | The length of one's hair must correspond to something about the person, but I'm not sure what it could be. |
| Volume One, Number 38 |
05/06/2001 | Think of the time and money we'd save if we were to awake every day and abstain from wearing clothes. |
| Volume One, Number 37 |
05/05/2001 | Hot dogs are best served with every condiment imaginable. That way, if one of the condiments spoils, you barely notice. |
| Volume One, Number 36 |
05/04/2001 | I think Patel is a fine name for a Scandanavian woman. She might be reincarnated as a Viking war ship. |
| Volume One, Number 35 |
05/03/2001 | They say there's no such thing as a free lunch. But I think so. Thanks for the hay and water. |
| Volume One, Number 34 |
05/02/2001 | Do you feel like a hero if you fall behind on things (like issuing 20 words per day) -- not really? |
| Volume One, Number 33 |
05/01/2001 | Being engaged is cool, but kind of sucks. It's like ordering good books from Amazon, but having to wait forever. |
| Volume One, Number 32 |
04/30/2001 | Having a ring on your finger is pretty neat. You can make these "chink" sounds almost anytime you want to. |
| Volume One, Number 31 |
04/29/2001 | How long until the old ladies stop smiling sweetly when our eyes meet? How long until they expect something more? |
| Volume One, Number 30 |
04/28/2001 | Sometimes drinking and driving gets a bad rap - how do you expect a guy to relax in all that traffic? |
| Volume One, Number 29 |
04/27/2001 | Beauty is fleeting, and so is pretty much everything else. But I'm pretty sure Molly will stay really small forever. |
| Volume One, Number 28 |
04/26/2001 | As I reached for the coconut, another one hit me on the head, and I felt my head throb good. |
| Volume One, Number 27 |
04/25/2001 | Security schuh-schmerity. If anyone is hung up on that, he's got something to hide! --F. J. Cooper, on the Burmese. |
| Volume One, Number 26 |
04/24/2001 | There is difference between meat sauce and bolognese sauce, but I'm not sure what it is exactly. Ask an Italian. |
| Volume One, Number 25 |
04/23/2001 | Who ever decided gold was worth more than silver, anyway? Isn't that just arbitrary, like saying tapioca beats chocolate pudding? |
| Volume One, Number 24 |
04/22/2001 | Getting up from your seat on an airplane is much easier if you wait until you take your seatbelt off. |
| Volume One, Number 23 |
04/21/2001 | Roses are red, but they can also be white, yellow, whatever. Are violets blue? They look more purple to me. |
| Volume One, Number 22 |
04/20/2001 | Ream a little ding dong now Sonny and I will be a happy one. No it won't be long now. |
| Volume One, Number 21 |
04/19/2001 | In the old days, men would shave with butter knives and shower in icy streams, and pop zits with pliers. |
| Volume One, Number 20 |
04/18/2001 | Monkeys don't grow on trees, they just live in them. Bananas do grow on trees, though, and do they ever! |
| Volume One, Number 19 |
04/17/2001 | Nipples on men don't really make any sense to me. Why not have something else there, like two more ears. |
| Volume One, Number 18 |
04/16/2001 | Mules are useful. Paperclips are useful too, but you don't have to feed them, and they don't smell as bad. |
| Volume One, Number 17 |
04/15/2001 | Tariq came from Egypt. When he heard some werido screaming prophetic visions at him, he screamed back obscenities in Arabic. |
| Volume One, Number 16 |
04/14/2001 | Harvey liked to memorize passages from the minor prophets, and walk
around in public places screaming them at unsuspecting people. |
| Volume One, Number 15 |
04/13/2001 | When a little girl pukes on your pillow, it's hard to sleep at night unless you turn it over first. |
| Volume One, Number 14 |
04/12/2001 | I once had some neighbors from Michigan who would pay me a dollar a pop to walk their dog Blue.
|
| Volume One, Number 13 |
04/11/2001 | I think I've only puffed on a cigarette maybe twice in my entire life, having other vices which imperfectly satisfy. |
| Volume One, Number 12 |
04/10/2001 | If you're going to read Acts in one sitting, I strongly recommend keeping some Cool Ranch Doritos close at hand. |
| Volume One, Number 11 |
04/09/2001 | Having little fear of becoming bald, I'm not sure I understand the pull of those Hair Club for Men commercials.
|
| Volume One, Number 10 |
04/08/2001 | The concept of a flying nun never made that much sense to me, until I saw "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon."
|
| Volume One, Number 9 |
04/07/2001 | "Go," he said.
"Where?" she asked.
"There," he said.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because," he said.
"I see now," she said. |
| Volume One, Number 8 |
04/06/2001 | Basketball Baseball Football Hockey Golf Tennis Auto racing Lacrosse Track Figure skating gymnastics Wrestling Soccer Horse racing Boxing Volleyball Curling |
| Volume One, Number 7 |
04/05/2001 | When you're singing out loud at a bus stop and you think you're alone, you might want to think again. |
| Volume One, Number 6 |
04/04/2001 | Truths, questions, proverbs, quips, anecdotes, and nonsense all fit in the twenty word space, but not much else will work.
|
| Volume One, Number 5 |
04/03/2001 | Corinna drove a white mustang Ba gave her, and she smiled all the
time. Was she happy or just smiling?
(Editor's note: To this day I'm still not sure.) |
| Volume One, Number 4 |
04/02/2001 | When a banner is wadded up into a ball for months, don't expect the
wrinkles to come out anytime soon. |
| Volume One, Number 3 |
04/01/2001 | Since this line
is broken here
and there
by carriage returns, I might be
able to justify calling it "poetry." |
| Volume One, Number 2 |
03/31/2001 | Twenty words is not very many. It makes me feel like I am supposed
to be writing fortune cookie copy. |
| Volume One, Number 1 |
03/30/2001 | Here is launched a potentially burdensome (to me, to you, or to all
of us) effort at the establishment of a daily column of sorts --
though not exactly a column, since it is bound to be more wide than
tall (there is a 20-word limit, excepting the present introduction).
That is all the vision I have for the thing at present. Some are
bound to think of it as a descendant of the Dr. A. L. McHargue
Monthly (first subtitled "ramblings of a bona fide sluggard," then
later and less self-denigratingly, "ramblings of an artist without a
medium"), whose issues were as pointless but more verbose (and lost
forever I suppose), but I make no claim on my phony title this time
around. The impetus for this is a desire to create and inspire the
creation of by others content for suffl.com, coupled with an impulse
to procrastinate in the fulfillment of certain pressing
responsibilities.
I select for you two definitions of "sputter":
n.
Matter emitted in sputtering.
Excited or confused utterance.
Then I suppose one of the verbal definitions warrants inclusion:
v.t.
To eject in short bursts with spitting or popping sounds.
So, what I offer can either be understood metaphorically as "matter
emitted in sputtering," or quite literally as "excited or confused
utterance" (tending more often toward the confused rather than the
excited).
I tremble to embark upon a pursuit that is journalistic or literary
in nature given the background or profession of my primary audience.
I imagine reviews directed at me (or to take it less personally,
directed at my "work" if it could ever be called *that* in 1000
years) which will include words
like "moronic," "amateurish," "futile," and "why?" -- to that I
simply shrug and sip my latte.
The Daily Sputter
Vol. 1, No. 1
Had I spent my undergraduate days at USC rather than SU, I would have
spent much more money on shorts. |